1/25/26 - it's Salem, for newcomers, i'm a girl, 19. i'm everywhere yet belong nowhere at the same time. my stomach churns, i'm dizzy in the chest, it's all i think about everyday. it makes me nauseous, i started sleeping with my ring on, it gives me little slices on my face and tugs small strands of my hair. but it doesn't matter, none of it matters anymore. i feel like i'm stuck in limbo with nothing happening, i feel like i'm just in empty space, slowly rotating in an abyss, every now and then i pass a star, a bright one. a star that i reach out for but make no effort to grab. you know how i see it? there's a suburb in the stars, that's why it's so bright in the sky. but the living can't consciously see it, all we see is the sky, not the life within it. i don't mean aliens live there, i mean spirits. ones that don't criteria for heaven or hell. it's purgatory, but peaceful. an eternity to be blessed to live in. that's a glimpse into what i see with my soul, and where i am so homesick for, but i'm scared.. not scared to cross into it, scared of feeling whole for once, will it overwhelm me? i've never felt.. complete, in a way, ways i can't explain and ways you all will never comprehend, i'm not meant to be here, i knew that early on, the alienation, the ridicule, lifelong. it's all taught me a very important lesson, that i simply do not belong. my main song this past week has been hole in the earth by deftones, it evokes such feelings in the core of my being, a lovely otherworldly feeling, like it heals my spirit but doesn't yet set me free, that's that dizzy in the chest feeling. my spirit trying to free myself, someday.. soon soon soon..

1/26/26 - did some more tarot stuff today and it just keeps lining up, it almost freaks me out. this really is my life, nevertheless i am glad it's headed in this direction. a moment of pain is worth a lifetime of glory. anyone reading this should email me! the link is on the 'email me' button in the page before this one, hey, i wanna talk to people!!!!! gawdddd :((( .. so come find me there and talk to me, yeah?

1/31/26 - once again, alone once more. it keeps happening, and it doesn't stop. this hurts, i'm afraid to make new friends. because, everytime i do i get forgotten about so quickly. it's to the point where i don't even want friends anymore. i can officially say i'm done with it, talk to me if you want but don't call me your friend, because you're just lying to me, and yourself too. i've never fit in with anything a day in my life, no matter who it is, no matter how hard i try to impress anyone, i just can't. it's embarassing for me, and sad. it destroys me, but you know what they said, some girls are just meant to be alone, some people are just meant to be in solitude. but that's all part of my transient life, and i can't wait to separate from it. to be with you, my love. soon soon soon, i just don't know how i'm gonna go about it. i hope i go to sleep this week and just never wake up in this realm again, i want to wake up in the stars, beside him. i want to see him smile at me, a genuine expression of joy that is so devoid in my life, to wake up beside you would be my dream, the most beautiful part of my eternity starts with you, D. i am in so much pain, all the time. i have to hold back tears otherwise i'll cry all day and all night. i just want to wake up in your arms, and hear your voice, hear your laugh, and feel your arms around me. no lust, no alcohol, no drugs, no hate, no debauchery, no sin. the only sin i've committed while being alive is the sin of existing, you never know how much your existence bugs other people until you live through it, live through being the odd one out, no matter what you do, how much you try to improve, nothing will make it dissolve. they say you can't bend to everyone's will, and it's correct. i will never be good enough for anyone, no matter if i get lied to and say "oh well, i love/like you!" do you really, or do you just feel bad? i feel as though my own family only says that out of pity. if it were true, i wouldn't frustrate everyone so easily, or garner judgement so easily, that's why i'm tired, all the time. i'm exhausted and i don't trust anyone, i don't even trust myself sometimes either, predictable behavior. i laid in bed last night, just before 7:30pm, i sobbed and choked on my own breathing, i laid there begging to fade out of existence, begging the skies to make me pass away in my sleep, and i still woke up. i don't understand, why do i have to suffer? why must this barrier exist? why must my life be so empty of love, companionship, and optimism. i don't see a reason, sometimes i think i was only created just to suffer, I, Salem, everyday wish that i was never born., you signed the warrant to my suffering, by forcing my existence into a world i never asked to be born into. but i've found my ticket out, he takes up my thoughts everyday, my saving grace. but I, still, must suffer by enduring this transient existence, the barrier makes me feel worse everyday, but i will persevere with love, pure, blissful, ethereal feelings. i aim to embody the purest form of love and sweetness, an aura that is lightly colored with stardust and soft clouds, and a beautiful moon-shine night sky. someday i'll come home.

2/3/26 - i can feel my body slowing down, brushing my hair was near impossible but i got it done, i have no aspiration to do anything, my energy is at an all time low.i haven't ate much at all this past month, and i haven't indulged in hobbies either as much as i used to. it's weird, i no longer care about things i used to love doing, and the things i need to do i neglect, that includes taking care of myself, it's a horrible reality, and i don't belong here, i know i've said it before, but it's true. this is limited and painful, it's a disgrace to my spirit to be here, i'm so tired and getting more tired everyday. the only times i feel happy are when i'm thinking about the brighter side. the moon, the stars, and you. isn't that also a song title? i think it is. i don't think anyone cares about my updates here, which is fine. we're all not obligated to pay attention, willful ignorance signs the warrant to peace for most people, i can't blame someone for not wanting to stress out over other people, i myself hate it too. it's disturbing and annoying. most of my gallery is of you, D. pictures, videos, drawings,\ edits, you name it. i've got a playlist of songs that remind me of you too. but it remains private, you're so special to me, so beautiful. i love you, and i'll say it over and over. a world consuming little crush of mine, is this limerence? we may never know. i've got a headache today from poor sleep, so until next time, byebye everyone, see you in the next update.