1/25/26 - it's Salem, for newcomers, i'm a girl, 19. i'm everywhere yet belong nowhere at the same time. my stomach churns, i'm dizzy in the chest, it's all i think about everyday. it makes me nauseous, i started sleeping with my ring on, it gives me little slices on my face and tugs small strands of my hair. but it doesn't matter, none of it matters anymore. i feel like i'm stuck in limbo with nothing happening, i feel like i'm just in empty space, slowly rotating in an abyss, every now and then i pass a star, a bright one. a star that i reach out for but make no effort to grab. you know how i see it? there's a suburb in the stars, that's why it's so bright in the sky. but the living can't consciously see it, all we see is the sky, not the life within it. i don't mean aliens live there, i mean spirits. ones that don't criteria for heaven or hell. it's purgatory, but peaceful. an eternity to be blessed to live in. that's a glimpse into what i see with my soul, and where i am so homesick for, but i'm scared.. not scared to cross into it, scared of feeling whole for once, will it overwhelm me? i've never felt.. complete, in a way, ways i can't explain and ways you all will never comprehend, i'm not meant to be here, i knew that early on, the alienation, the ridicule, lifelong. it's all taught me a very important lesson, that i simply do not belong. my main song this past week has been hole in the earth by deftones, it evokes such feelings in the core of my being, a lovely otherworldly feeling, like it heals my spirit but doesn't yet set me free, that's that dizzy in the chest feeling. my spirit trying to free myself, someday.. soon soon soon..

1/26/26 - did some more tarot stuff today and it just keeps lining up, it almost freaks me out. this really is my life, nevertheless i am glad it's headed in this direction. a moment of pain is worth a lifetime of glory. anyone reading this should email me! the link is on the 'email me' button in the page before this one, hey, i wanna talk to people!!!!! gawdddd :((( .. so come find me there and talk to me, yeah?